Pre-Mortem: My November

November, the month prior to my break-up with The Bean contained more emotionally, physically and spiritually intense–let  alone draining–events than we ever could prepare for.  So many things transpired that even now they do not seem real. It is almost as if the whole month happened in “super-slow-mo” and the tape playing in my head only makes the “waahwaahwahnan” sound over and over. Writing it down still stuns me.

The arduous rundown:

1. I broke a molar and had root canal the first few days of November, just before…
2. I was ordained on November 5th. Now The Bean continues to have major issues with any sacred or religious space (Let’s be sure to keep the two separate, because not all religious spaces are sacred or vice versa.). As a kid, his parents–one an atheist Catholic, the other Jewish–were blackmailed by the priests running the private school into having him baptised. The Bean did not want it, nor did his parents, but it allowed them to keep their illegal immigrant child in school. I have issues with baptizing any child, but against a grown child’s will and that of their parents and demonizing said child is abuse. Period. So, when I looked out and saw my dear sweet Bean sitting in my church I came undone with love for him. I knew what it took for him to be there, and I knew how much he cared for me to cross that threshold on my behalf. Pure selflessness in the place of pain for him.
3. I told him, in the throes of Ordination Bliss, the night of my ordination, that I loved him. He held me closer, and we fell asleep at the hotel.
4. November 7th we went to dinner. He said something to me over dinner about how he did not remember anything after we got back to the hotel due to being so tired. It turned out that this included what I said, which I repeated (feel free to judge me now). He replied smiling, “As if I did not already know that!” I said, “Right back at-cha.” The conversation brought up so many fears for me, especially the Big Kahuna: abandonment. I also talked to him that night about how I felt I had gotten really “busy” in our relationship due to my own fears of him leaving. Overcompensating. I told him about how I would drop yoga for him week after week–wanting him to keep my boundaries–but never expected him to not go on his weekly ride. I told him to expect some big changes from me in the coming weeks, not because I did not care about him, but because I realized I needed to take a step back and care for myself. I apologized for making him responsible for what I needed.
5. November 8th, The Bean called me at work to tell me how upset he was. I felt like he might be experiencing a panic attack and urged him to leave work “sick” and go to the doctor. He desperately stated how he needed a break and all of the pressure seemed to be too much. I got it and took him seriously. I also urged him to consider therapy, if that might help his anxiety coupled with all the really smart and hard physical workouts he already incorporated into his life for stress management. I heard a great deal of anger–rightly so, I might add–that I thought a therapist could help him with processing in ways that empowered him more than leaving him feeling helpless. He listened, but he never went further.
6. I took a terrible fall off my bike on my way to The Bean’s house on November 9th. He rode towards me but was on the opposite side of the road. Even after not finding me, he never thought to cross to the other side. Given my “safety first” alarm bells, I never would ride on the side where he rode due to there not being any street lights and it was at dusk. He found me, patched me up, and took me home following dinner. I felt just awful, in part because I wanted him to care for my boo-boos (only fair given how I had nursed his from a bad fall in August that he took), but I also realized that–for whatever the reasons–he needed to be alone that night. I told him later, “My wants got trumped by your needs.” I felt really grown-up for getting the difference with him that night.
7. I woke up at his house on the 11th with the worst sore throat of my life and a fever. By the end of the day, I was up to 103.7!
8. I went to the doctor and found out I probably had Mono on Monday the 13th. By Thursday, I had the confirmation. My official first day off Probation at work was the 13th as well, so I used my Paid Time Off on the first day possible and until I ran out. In the Month of November I worked only six days and out some of December too. This left me one whole paycheck short, not to mention all the medicine, doctor visits, etc. November would have completely ruined me financially if not for the money people gave me at my Ordination and some help from my congregation.
9. The next week I developed Thrush in my mouth. So, now I had the most exhaustion I ever experienced, could hardly go downstairs to get food, and now could not put anything in my mouth. Add to this diarrhea and nausea. The Bean planned a bike trip with a friend the day of the 18th. I felt so disappointed in him for planning that trip while I was not only so sick, but also because my Aunt Charlyne had just been taken to the hospital with life-threatening lung problems and Miss Audrey and Baub were up in Ocala for her that weekend. I never asked him to stay; I only told him that I was hurt he would plan to leave. In the end, he did not go due to spending the night with me in the ER. I could no longer speak or open my mouth, finding myself in terrible pain, dehydrated, not able to keep anything in me, and trying to throw up. That night still shines out to me for other reasons as well. The Bean told me of how he drew up these schematics of all of his relationships that day while at lunch. In the end, he drew them for me. He showed me how all of his other relationships were so “out of balance” with the relationship overshadowing him and his needs. He had no life outside of whomever he was dating, other than work and his own family–although they were enmeshed there too. When he drew out how he saw us, he drew equal circles placed beside each other, but with some distance between them. He said, “I see us as individuals now and always, but I can also see that we are moving closer together…not to overtake one another or become ‘one’ but to be right up next to each other as full partners.” He showed me how he had balance in his life for the first time. He had his own friends. He expressed concern about how large and dominating work had become. I asked him, “Is there anything you need from me or need for us to work on to help you in this?” He replied, “No. I would not change anything about us. What we have is really working and brings me a lot of happiness.”
10. The night of the 18th, we lay in bed talking until five in the morning. The Bean needed to talk about the pain his most recent ex (from over a year before, and the one who will call him December 1st) caused him when she left saying, “I do not love you.” He told me how he could not think of her without “feeling searing pain,” and how this applied to the good times as well. We held each other. He cried. I cried. I told him I knew he could find his way to holding both the pain and the good times in such a way that the pain no longer robbed the good, but also where the pain no longer robbed his present either. I must admit I feel as though I am betraying him for saying this at all, but I also know that I still protect his identity from most and how important this moment felt to me. I firmly believed that until he could let go of the pain she caused him, he could not fully open to the love I wanted to give him or receive from him.
11. Thanksgiving night he surprised me by coming back early to see me. He told me of how he shared with his family his deep thankfulness for me because I “challenged [him] in every way.”
12. Saturday the 25th, he went on his ride. I suffered the effects of a new colon infection IN PUBLIC, but I did manage to buy the plants for re-doing his front garden. We wanted to get it in last Fall, so it would be beautiful and ready if he tried to sell this Spring.
13. Sunday we worked and worked and worked on his front garden. By dusk, it really looked amazing. He asked me if I would help with a work thing, which ended up taking almost four hours but gave him some sleep he never would have gotten otherwise.
14. We worked on getting his resume ready the next few days to send to a personal friend of mine for help in finding The Bean a new job. His work life had become unbearable and his boss utterly unkind and unprofessional, in my opinion.
15. Wednesday the 29th, we sent off his resume. The Bean lay down next to me on his couch and told me, “Baby. I needed you. I never need anyone, but you were there for me. Thank you.” I told him how I could not believe my ears, but “thank you” for letting me in to help you. I also thanked him for all the amazing ways he helped me during my illness.
16. This is as good a place as any to mention the last time we had sex was in November.  Due to the contagious nature of Mono, we just would look at each other with longing.  God!  How I missed him!  Every single part.
17. I tried to go back to work on the 30th, but my boss took one look at me and sent me back home. Thankfully.
18. December 1st: The Bean and I sat in the car driving to his parents’ house to pick up something and then out to dinner. His ex called him, which he called “disturbing.” She called again. He did not answer. He became very silent and upset. I wanted him to go and see her. I wanted him to forgive her–something he told me in the Summer he wanted to tell her–because I felt we could not go on until he had full closure with her over the past. He was to call me when they were done talking, so I would know he was okay, even if he could not talk about it. He texted me at 2:30 in the morning.

We never really spoke about that conversation with the ex, other than him telling me that “the shit of her life is weighing her down more now than before.” He told me that he was “imploding” following talking to her, and after a week of time in his Man Cave, I went to see him. He told me that he did not love me, only dated me because he was lonely, and we were done. Two days later, I went back to him and told him that I did not know if we were doing the right thing–if I was doing the right thing–and how mad at him I was. Then I got the “your star is extinguished from my sky” email, and I was officially dead in his world.

Funny thing is, I was not dead in mine, nor was he.

So, when I saw his fucking car–for the first time ever since we split–on the road last week, I followed his ass to the local bike shop (I just knew where he was going.) and confronted him!!!!!! I have GUMPTION! And I must say how proud of myself I am. Damn!