Forgiveness?

I recently wrote about “Bastards and New Boyfriends.” Since then, I keep thinking about the last paragraph…about wanting someone who will hold me to the task of dealing with my life and letting go so I am really free to love without the shit of my life weighing me, and then us, down. I keep looking at what my niece Morgan calls “One horrible minute at the end of a relationship that caused you seven months of hell.” I keep trying to figure it all out, as if the past contains a secret I must decipher in order to be worthy of love in the future.

I want to let it all go, but I am still angry sometimes. Angry about how much more scared I am now than before I met The Bean. Angry at him for not treating me with respect when he left, and how that cuts at my self-esteem even when I do not want it to. Angry at myself for not being the “typical girl” about a lot of things. He always called me “an exception to the rule” because I do not act like what many guys expect from their girlfriend–I understand the need for alone time to play Half-Life every now and again–and I do not wig out easily. Should I have been demanding and dramatic and needy? “No.” And that answer leads me back to where I started: Content with who I am and how I act in the world. Glad not to be with “That Bastard,” and scared shitless I will carry Baggage a la The Bean, which will hurt my ability to give trust and my true “exception to the rule” heart to someone who will love and respect me.

Do I need to forgive him?

I spoke about this with my friend Harlot last weekend. I confessed to her that I lied to The Bean in April when I told him I forgave him. Bull……shit! He never even apologized. He only said, “Ditto.” to my apology and blessing for his life. I think of him as a total emotional coward, and I do not want to be that way. But how do you forgive someone who is not even sorry? Harlot’s take on forgiveness is that it falls into two categories: 1) Someone asks for it, and then it is up to you to accept and let go. You may not forgive them, but they did their part in the asking; or 2) You look back at the past and let go of it being any different than it was. You no longer replay every conversation, every moment, every move and try to figure out what you could do differently. You allow the past, even as horrible as it was, to stand. This is not a “get out of jail free card.” They are still responsible and accountable. You just let go of holding onto it and trying to shape the past into another form.

I think this idea of the nature of forgiveness is just brilliant.

I started off by saying, “I keep trying to figure it all out, as if the past contains a secret I must decipher in order to be worthy of love in the future. ” For this kind of forgiveness to come into my life, I must accept the past as it was. The Instant-Reply-Button has to be left alone. No more conversations with The Bean in my head. No more wondering why all of this happened. No more regretting the past. No more doubting myself and my ability to love. No more doubting my ability to pick the right person for my life. No more projecting his shit onto my own sense of worthiness. No more wishing it was different. Acceptance in my present of the truth of the past. It is just what happened, and I cannot change it anymore than I can change him.

I can, however, change myself and forgive the past for not being any different than it was.

Isn’t it funny how letting go of wanting the past to be different can be so hard? I mean, it already happened! I do not own or have access to a Time Machine. It’s not like I could–or would–go back. The acceptance still has not come easy. Why do we replay every moment when we know the outcome will be the same every time?

Charlie Peacock has a song called “Forgiveness.” I remember this one line…”The one thing we need more than to be understood or to be known is forgiveness.” How true it is.