Renewal

I quit my job.

Back in November, just after Teri’s husband was murdered I gained focus about the abusive nature of the hospice I work for. Needing some time off–even just one day–to breathe, regroup, grieve and find my spiritual center, I asked for some comp time. In the past, the company has given comp time when staff suffered through a major crises and led their team through it. My Social Worker and I definitely qualified, but after I approached the subject with our covering Team Manager we received a text message (no conversation, mind you) stating, “Be strong for the patients.” I could not help but wonder, “With what?”

I reached a breaking point following a week unlike any I experienced in all of my time as a chaplain. I have blessed the parts of a baby girl in an emesin basin, held the hand of a man hacked by an ax, comforted a father about to bury all three of his boys, led a procession with a dead armless/legless baby out of the NICU in a satin box, watched a man die shackled to his bed, had the stench of burning flesh in my nose so bad I had to put toothpaste above my lip to breathe, and been hunted down by reporters following a colossal medical mishap–and that was just at work! My personal life losses also possesses quite the body count as well, and more than once I wondered if my own body would be added to the count at the hand of John or myself. Never, however, had I entered into the gruesome world of murder and known the victim and their loved ones. Never had I loved the one so closely affected and devastated.

After I received the text message, I looked for a new job and found one. I start on Monday.

The first of June last year I wrote “The Cost of Being A Chaplain.” The piece focused more on the financial stresses involved, but originally contained a whole litany of just what two days of working in hospice looked like for me. I pulled out the emotional cost side and began a different post (never completed or posted) called “What It Takes.” That piece began…

Paparazzo said to me on Sunday, “I really do not know what it takes to do your job.” I think it is hard to explain to anyone who does not work with crisis situations, but even sometimes our co-workers just do not get it either. Being a chaplain is unlike most jobs. On the surface, we may seem to have it easy. I go to people’s homes and listen to their stories about their lives. Beneath the surface, I map these stories, looking for places where the support is not present to help them navigate in a healthy way the pain before them and offer comfort, guidance and ways to pick up their own coping skills to shore up those tender places. In so doing, I see the terrible weaknesses hid from most, and must gently place a healing balm there without disturbing the person’s sense of self or fracture their hope/imagination regarding God or love. In order to be a chaplain, you must embrace the painful places, ever be on the lookout for shitty theology trapping someone in a prison of despair, and bear witness to the fragility of humanity. What others flee from, you must draw close to and absorb. We also do a lot of apologizing for the so-called “religious” and teach about what it means to be a spiritual person. And we do this without equanimity with those we care for, without much support of any kind, with a smile and sense of humor, and while being as less threatening as possible–unless we must kick some ass to help our care receivers. Trust me! I have kicked some ass when needed!

Pastoral Care is a wonderful profession, but as caregivers we need certain supports to continue to give of the sweet milk of our own lives to those we care for. My employer did not understand this, nor did they want to. I wrote a “Manifesto” for my exit interview. Here are the basic bullet points:

• Implied and explicit Corporate expectations change and do not always reconcile with one another.
• Unreasonable expectations regarding time allocation (leading to requiring a minimum of a 50-hour work week, on-calls added), especially on a Home Team with high turnover.
• Paperwork in triplicate but no computerization.
• Unequal compensation for company employees in the same job, based on age of program not cost-of-living. (For example, the counties above and below my own have chaplains being paid $5-10k more than in my county for the same work and the same cost of living. Chaplains in the GA program make more, but they have no on-call responsibilities unless a chaplain is specifically requested because unlike us, they do not have the legal right to declare someone dead.)
• Inadequate compensation creates stress and grift. (The starting Chaplain salary is almost $17k less than what the average Associate Minister in my county makes. Both Chaplains and Social Workers are shortchanging on their visits to “make-up” for the disparity…at least emotionally. I have a real problem with this from an integrity standpoint, not to mention it is illegal.)
• Company policy changes that decrease company loyalty and shortchange pay. (They decided to put out 9 of the Social Service staff on holiday–with pay if you still had PTO, without if you did not–two days before Thanksgiving because they “did not have enough money.” The company is publicly traded, so the information about their cash flow is readily available. The truth? Their net revenue was up 32.8% for the Third Quarter from where it was in 2006. The profit was to the tune of $13.8 million! Not enough money my ass!)
• Death attendance visits counting against productivity requirements. (It is a FUCKING HOSPICE!!! How can going to a death be counted against the Psycho-Social Staff? They consider the day a “loss” given the person died–although they did get paid for the day. Some weeks I would go to as many as three deaths on my team. Unproductive my ass!!! )
• The way in which on-calls are handled. (Too long to bore you with here, but needless to say…sometimes I felt it was a choice between my life or my job.)
• A corporate culture of fear and urgency.
• Patients and families come behind shareholder profits. (Hollowing out services to the dying to make a profit is immoral and will eventually bankrupt the company. I am going to send the CEO a copy of The Divine Right of Capital.)
• We are not prepared for RN staffed Continuous Care or Pediatric Continuous Care.
• Not enough emphasis or time for true staff support and emotional care.
• Questionable charting practices, which I believe to be illegal.

I am ready for a change and for renewal in my professional life. I want to work where I am valued, and where I can use my gifts. I want to help individuals, and I want to contribute to the way in which we think about how to care for those suffering at the macro level as well. I never want to be on-call again!!!! I want to write more for a living. I want work to be work and home to be home again. I want to be paid a living wage. I want my creativity to be blessed not questioned. I do not want to feel I need to dumb myself down because it is threatening to some of my colleagues.

The new chapter begins on Monday! YEAH!!!!