In-laws & Out-laws

Miss Audrey is my mother. She is a force of nature, given that I get tired listening to what she is doing and I am only 35 and she is 69!! She is a nurse by profession and calling. I love her dearly, and she can be the most wise person in the room. She can also drive me up the wall when she harps on me and “my integrity.” Integrity was a major theme growing up. She is married to her third husband, who is my second favourite of all time. Of course he really did not stand a chance against my own father for First Place. He was, however, a shoo-in for second given that the dark horse in third really had some major dark issues. Miss Audrey is a Christian and goes to a Baptist Church. I take it a bit personally that she attends a church where I would never be allowed full participation as an ordained person, but she is a grown-up and gets to make her own choices. Of course the fact that the church now wants “purity pledges” or whatever they are called, and has turned into a fascist regime does not sit well with me either. But who am I to judge? Oh wait! That is not judgment that is integrity! But I digress.

Baub is Husband Number Three, but my second favourite. He looks a bit like Colonel Sanders and not a day over 75 even though he is 85. I feel sorry for Baub because Mother is always carting him off on some crazy errand of mercy or trouble. He is a good man to stick by her schemes. When I call their house he always says, “Just a mo.” Never ever does the man ask me how I am doing, but I recently had a patient’s wife tell me that her husband was the same way with his kids, so I guess it would be the same way if I was his own daughter!

Miss Audrey + Baub = The Parental Elements

Daddy is my natural father. He died in 1977 when I was six years old. He was an avid fisherman, terribly funny, handy and a good friend. He got put on a pedestal when he died; I have no way to engage his humanity or mistakes. I feel him with me often.

John is my adoptive step-father. He had a very dark side called being a pedophile. He had a really amazing side, in that he was a brilliant and kind doctor. I walk every day with the intimate knowledge of both.

My Sista is my sister, but we are of no relation. Miss Audrey used to hold her in a rocking chair when she was 5, so our parents have been friends for 45 years now. (Let’s do the math and figure out just how old she is…ready…5 + 45 =) She is one of my soul mates in life, and I love her dearly. She also only gets to be right once a year, otherwise it would be terribly annoying! She is the mother of my nieces…

Morgan is my niece. She is 20 and in college and obsessed with cows.  The girl wants to make a future with said cows as a geneticist/dairy manager.  The girl is growing up! YEAH! She is bright, full of joy and humor, and an all around pain in the ass when she believes she is right and you are wrong. I love her dearly and am deeply proud of her, even if I want to strangle the child every now and again. Mostly I count on her to pull the plug when I am old and gray–she is just that trustworthy.

Piano Girl is my other niece. She is 18, and STILL refuses to learn to drive.  (This summer perhaps?)  This is not such a bad thing given that Morgan had her license taken away two years ago and Sista’s insurance could not take the hit right now of another under 25 driver! She is away at college, but thanks to Facebook I can keep tabs on her.   She has really grown as a woman these last two years, which is amazing to see.  She is girly, so we bond over the very important topics of handbags and how I want to steal her Jesus sandals. She is also a real lefty like me–cause the girl READS!!!!–which I totally L.O.V.E.

My Cousin Bopper is four years younger than moi and has been a pain our whole lives! No one ever forgot her birthday because it is the 2nd of January, and we were all still together following Christmas. Bitch! She has an adorable and precocious daughter and lives in Seattle where she makes twice as much as I do, even though I have a Master’s Degree and she has…is it just an Associate’s? Bitch! But, she has to feed her kid, so I guess I can accept this. I guess. She also was one of my best friends as a kid where we planned to solve mysteries as kick-ass cool Private Detectives just like Magnum, Remington, AJ and Rick. Or maybe we would be spies like Scarecrow and Mrs. King. We were open either way. She recently asked me how much of who we are is genetics. I had to tell her the truth: “99.9%!” She cried out laughing and saying, “We are totally screwed!” Amen grrl. Amen.