The Dating Game

Here is a fun little run down of all the boys I have known, which is not a long list given that I did not start dating until I was 31!

1. The First. A truly amazing and good friend, but he really was not all that into having a relationship. I must admit, now with the wisdom of time, that I was not that into having a relationship with him either–I just think so differently than he does! After I helped him with his resume, helped him get his mortgage license (even quizzing him by phone for his test), and helped him find a great job where he became a big success, I decided to never be so damn helpful given that we fell apart right after all that damn helping!!! He will always have a special place in my heart though for all the doors that opened for me because of his presence in my life.
2. The Cab Driver. I actually dated him in-between things with The First. Do you think that dating a man who took you to the airport and who had just left the monastery might have been a sign that things would not work out? I just keep wondering about that. He was an amazing dancer too, which really helped the language barrier. Really cannot seem to figure out why things never progressed…humm…
3. Shrek. I swear you saw Shrek alive and in person, just minus the green, especially when the boy smiled. The boy had the longest dang ear lobes of anyone I have ever met. He was also seXXXay. I still blush when I pass certain spots with the thought of what happened there back when with him. He and I were making out when I first heard the words, “Get a room!” I needed to hear them! A total dirty bastard–thank God I did not sleep with him, for the record–but I sure did have a good time. Of course, this is the only explanation of why I, the Queen of the Left, would date a man so conservative he tried to convince me of young earth creationism!!!
4. Plant Geek. He later admitted that he only dated me because I was “so healing” given that his parents had died. He had major issues with women and said things that hurt like a mother-fucker. I will say this for him though, he really took it like a man when I told him how he hurt me. Plant Geek has some really wonderful qualities and is super smart and interesting. I guess there was a part of me that wished we could have become friends later, but when I found out that he was texting and emailing my niece, Morgan, I was creeeeped out.
5. Chain Smoking Troll. I only went on one date with him, but given how fun his nickname is, I just could not resist putting him on the list. Plus, when you have only been dating for around five years, you have to count EVERYBODY! I think a man who spends his date talking about his retirement plan with a thirty-four year-old woman, might just not be the right kind of guy for her, unless he is looking for the Date Old Men For Their Money Type.
6. Sexy Habitual Liar Guy. Pros: Older, an attorney, witty and smart. Oh yes, and really, really f.i.n.e. Second person I heard “Get a room!” with. Cons: a bit more into domination than I felt comfortable with–I will never call anyone “Daddy” in a moment of passion/pain–and he had a really hard time with the truth. Bye-bye.
7. Shrek, again. Just drop it. Leave it be. I could not help it. Did I tell you how sexy the man was? He definitely proves that sexiness is all about attitude and swagger and intentionality!
8. All My Best Friends I Met in AA. The name explains it all.
9. The Bean. Bank Robber, Cynic, Musician, Writer and Atheist. I must admit that he possess lovely qualities: whip-smart, funny, kind, playful, an amazing teacher, generous, fun to be around, reads books, talks about real things, compassionate. This is The Bean I experienced until he “imploded” (his word). Loving him changed me forever and in beautiful ways. I never want losing him to take away those things or change me into someone more cynical, more fearful, and less trusting, so I have worked very hard and intentionally to not let them. I only want to be my true self–like I was when I met him and with him–because I really like her. She is a good girl. I think I understand now that he did the very best that he could do, and even while it may not have been the very best for himself or for me, it was all he was capable of. The day it ended I told him I remember who he really is. He replied, “I am glad one of us still does because I don’t.” I carry that beautiful, imaginative, kind young man who really gets it in my heart and only want the best for him. I want that for me too. I give us both countless amounts of freedom to find it for ourselves, by ourselves.
10. Woody Woodpecker. I went out with him twice. The first time, he kissed me…well, “kissed” is what he thought he did. I thought the hard tongue going in and out and in and out resembled more wood-pecking than kissing quite frankly. The second time I went out with him was because I thought I might: a) say something; and b) give him a lesson or two. I sat there at dinner thinking-quite smartly: “Get the hell out of here as fast as you can!” So, sorry to the ladies that will have to encounter his tongue without some tutelage. I really did think to try and help you girls out!
11. Frenchie. I can now mark off my List of Things To Do in My Lifetime “French Kiss a Frenchman!” Unfortunately, I was just not that into him and the kiss was ho-hum. Funny how the heart matters too, huh? The same thought went through my head with Frenchie as did with Woody Woodpecker…”I would rather be kissing someone else.” (Not The Bean. For the record.)
12. 7th Grade Dream Date. E-cards with puppies and flowers before we met, date planned with favourite food and ski-ball and everything, gorgeous orchid in designer pot presented at the beginning of the first date, conversation and inquiry into my pedicure, soft hair, dress, and he had the softest hands on a man ever! But when I got the poem–NOT EVEN AN HOUR AFTER OUR DATE–I thought, “He is more woman than I can handle.” Poem; what poem? You know you want to read it, but let me just say that he mentioned TWICE that I should “not freak out.” I think that if you mention not freaking out twice, you can be pretty much assured that the other person will in fact freak out! Had to cut him loose, even before we went for our side-by-side mani/pedis. I just hate that! (A special Shout Out to My Cousin Bopper for the name on this one!)
13. The King of Cool. Ever met just a totally great guy, but there was no razzle dazzle? We just did not connect, but he did make me a totally cool CD. Gotta love a guy who never forgot the art of the Mixed Tape!
14. Fred Flinstone. I think it was a sign that I gave him a nick name prior to meeting him…and not a good one! (Sign, not nickname.) He was just to ahhhhhhheeeehhhh, if you know what I mean.
15. Fish Mouth. If it is not a good sign when I give them a nickname before the first date, it really is not a good sign when Paparazzo (my best guy friend) picks out the name after the second! I also think that if a guy kisses you and follows up with, “I bet you think I kiss weird, don’t you?” that you do not need a crystal ball to see where this is going. “Welcome to Nowhere!” Population: One. Ewwwww, and yet he had so many lovely qualities. God bless his guppy mouth!
16. Mr. Irrationality. You know that there will NEVER be a second date if a guy insults you during the first. Here is the Reader’s Digest Version: After he pretty much talked incessently for an hour about what a big time success he is as a chef and all the lying crack whores he keeps dating for some reason, he told me he “really liked me” and asked me out again. I asked him (with a straight face, I must add), “When would we ever see each other? You work 12 hours a day, except Mondays, and I work on Mondays.” With that he called me “irrational,” and went on this whole tangent about how I would be sleeping over at his house and he at mine. ["THIS IS A FIRST DATE BUDDY!! NO SLEEPOVERS ALLOWED!!!"] Well, no big deal to me to say “nice meeting you, but no.” It was to him. He got quite upset before we left lunch, was mean to the valet, and despite my parting words to him being, “You have some very lovely qualities. I hope you find what you are looking for;” he sent me a scathing email the next day. The email was so irrational and psycho. He even went as far as to say that I “have no ambition.” Pah-leeese! Oh, and he said I should take up smoking to lose weight. Huh? (Can you tell I am still pissed?!) Well, the email did get one thing right…he wrote: “You are so out of my league.” And I am!
17. The Single Father. A wonderful man, but I feel as though I am just beginning my life. I do not want to come second, which is how it ought to be when someone already has a child. We crossed paths for a moment, and I am okay with only one moment. I realize now that I will not date men with children. Period.
18. Mr. Joy. Full of light, smart, funny, sexxxy, has a beautiful smile, hopeful, spiritual, generous, and a wonderful friend. He tells his truth even when it is hard. I value that. He is also a devoted son and grandson to two people who need his tenderness desperately. We parted ways over his fidelity to them, and over his not really wanting to be a father. In his words, “It is better to be sad now than heartbroken later.” But what a wonderful guy!
19. My Ex-Wife Is A Bitch. You know, if a guy has nothing good to say about his ex-wife, the chances he will see the good in you are slim. He was rather excited that I was not “crazy” or “irrational,” even to the point of questioning me as to whether or not I had ever been a man! Pa-leezzze! These girls are real–thank you very much. He called to check on me when I was having a particularly bad week, but he only wanted to talk about the ex. I guess it was the thought that counts! I had to break it to him (and up with him) how that shit just does not fly with me. He seemed to be rather somber with the realization of how he finally met a cool, smart, sexual girl and then blew it by being the crazy irrational one. I wished him the best, and that was that.
20. Mr. Green Heart. I was set-up on this date because the other person thought we would hit it off given we are both so kind and interested in a better planet. True, but I am DOING something about it. Again with the thirty-something guys who have no idea who they want to be when they grow up! Next.
21. Peaches and Cream and Pot. This date taught me an important lesson: Thou shalt not date thy fans Rev. Derby! That being said, I actually texted Pixie while he was getting some Starbucks that I thought he was “peaches and cream.” Smart, funny, introspective, well read, and with a certain kind of generous affability, I felt the description was perfect. About 10 minutes later a simple move to avoid the smoke and the pot revelation came my way. Not my thing–I did bust some ass for 10 years to get ordained after all, so I am not too interested in seeing it going up in smoke! Literally! The funniest moment, however, was telling Obi-Wan Kenobi, my therapist with the Grateful Dead quilt on his wall. I said to Obi-Wan, “But he smokes pot–no offense (with nod to quilt)–which I am just not cool with.” The look on his face was priceless! Kind of a shrug with an acknowledgment all rolled into one. Classic.
22. A Special Honorable Mention goes to The Scoundrel…I met The Scoundrel in the Spring of 2006, just before I met The Bean. The first time I went to his flat/studio, he patted the bed and said, “This is where we will be having sex later.” We did not! We did flirt terribly…in fact…some very dirty exchanges while I was in a meeting, but then I went out later the same day for the first time with The Bean and left The Scoundrel in the dust. He is almost too old for me at 51, although, I do give a ten year discount for cool accents, and he has a spiffy one from England! I think he has relationship psychic abilities given that I will not hear from him for months and POOF! he writes something scandalous just when I need it. He is truly lovely and willing to both recommend me to gentlemen callers and weed out the riff-raff. Someone has to! (Ask me no questions, and I will tell you no lies, but he is also one hell of a kisser.)